


dark thoughts cloud clear judgement

by canadianshipper



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Grey's Anatomy: B-Team (Web Series)
Genre: Levi has anxiety, M/M, Panic Attack, Sad Ending, Slight Smut, blink and youll miss it smut, im sorry, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 07:11:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17279447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadianshipper/pseuds/canadianshipper
Summary: After Taryn asks about Levi and Nico's relationship, Levi starts overthinking everything and his anxieties start taking over.





	dark thoughts cloud clear judgement

**Author's Note:**

> All I want to say is this:  
> 1\. I'm sorry. There aren't enough sad fics for this relationship (which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes a girl wants to feel sad, y'know?)  
> 2\. There's some smut in this BUT I haven't written smut in a really really REALLY long time so forgive me if it's no good.   
> 3\. I'm sorry, again.

Levi paced back in forth in Nico’s one bedroom apartment, waiting for his boyfriend to finish his shift. He chewed the nail on his thumb, pretty sure soon he’d run out of nail and wind up chewing the finger instead. He’d been feeling anxious all day, ever since Taryn and Dahlia brought up something he’d never really thought about. 

“So what do you do at his house aside from sleeping with each other, or just regular sleeping?”

It wasn’t meant to be such a loaded question, and at first, Levi dismissed it with a shoulder shrug and a laugh. But as he thought more on it, the girls were right. This wasn’t the first night that Levi was up late waiting for Nico to come back, and there had been countless times where it was the opposite way around as well. 

And at the hospital, whenever the two got a spare moment, they did whatever a new couple would do, and find an on-call room. Sometimes for sleeping, sometimes for.. The other kind of sleeping. And being new to all of this, dating guys (or really anyone in general), Levi never really saw anything wrong with it. Being with someone and using every opportunity you can to be with them in the most intimate way? Sign him up. 

But he’d never really gone on any dates with Nico, at least, it had been a long time since they had. Nico had taken him to a small, Italian restaurant a couple of times in between shifts, but the two were too tired to really do much talking. They just ate everything in silence, save for the sounds of chewing and swallowing, and then went back to work when their pagers both went off.

It had been a while since Levi felt this kind of way. Anxious, worried and most of all, conflicted. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring it up to Nico, he didn’t want to ruin anything. What if Nico loved the way things were, and got really hurt if Levi said he wanted more out of it? And it would take a while before any change could even be made. Nico and Levi, respectively, were both very busy, working almost every day of the week. And usually getting called in on their days off. 

Dahlia had shut Taryn up right after she made the comment, and tried defending Levi, but it just added more questions into the mix. “Look, all that matters is that Levi and Dr Kim are happy.”

Happy? Was this what being happy was? Scraping by in this relationship with closed off sections of heated meetings and brief encounters at the hospital. And Dr Kim? Whenever Levi had pictured being in a relationship, he’d always wanted his partner to be friends with his friends too. But the interns hardly even knew Nico, hence why they still feel inclined to call him Dr Kim all the time. Maybe Casey had called him Nico once or twice, but this isn’t what he wanted. 

The whole first little while of their relationship was spent sneaking around, unsure of the hospitals policy of an intern and a fellow dating. When they learned what the policies were, thanks to Dr Bailey walking in on them in the heat of the moment, they allowed themselves to be more open. Flirting in the pit, winking at each other from across the hall, holding hands when they were both leaving the hospital at the same time. 

But then Dr Lincoln got that grant to work on artificial limbs, and Nico was busier than ever. Link respected Levi, and had never treated him unkindly or anything, so it didn’t feel like a personal attack on him or anything. It just sucked. And Levi wanted so badly to be happy for Nico, he did, because this was an amazing opportunity for him to learn more about Ortho… but Levi missed going home with Nico every night. 

All of his thoughts were interrupted by Nico barging into the apartment room, already spilling out apology after apology. Levi rushed over to him and pressed +a kiss onto the taller man’s lips before he could even shut the front door. Nico chuckled into the kiss and proceeded to close the door behind them. He placed a firm grasp on Levi’s hips and pulled them towards his own, a slight groan coming out of Levi’s mouth.

Levi pulled away and put his forehead on Nico’s. Breathing heavily, Levi managed to finally speak. He laced his fingers with Nico’s. “We need to talk.”

Nico stepped away, a look of fear as well as curiosity mixed on his face. “That doesn’t sound good.” He sat down on his bed in front of Levi, his legs open just a little bit wider than usual. 

“We, uh.. We never.. God..” He was already getting nervous, and his face was beet red. 

He could feel a hand grabbing his and pulling him down. He sat on Nico’s lap. Nico put his strong hand on Levi’s jaw and turned so that they could look at each other properly. “Hey.” Nico said, calmly. He stroked Levi’s cheek with his thumb and gave him a swift kiss. “What’s up?” Nico looked in his eyes with purpose, a look he hadn’t seen in a while. And it shot so many thoughts through Levi’s head. 

Levi never knew how much he was holding back until he burst into tears at that very moment. Nico certainly didn’t expect that as his eyebrows furrowed and his smile faded away. However, as confused as he was, Nico wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, prompting the latter boy to wrap his slender arms around Nico’s neck, crying into his shoulder. Nico ran his hands up and down Levi’s back, trying to soothe him as he cried.

Levi wasn’t afraid of showing emotion, he’d cried in front of his boyfriend before. Just not like this. Gasping for breath, practically wailing, tears staining the thin material that covered Nico. He didn’t want to let go. If only Nico had shown that kind of emotion. He was stoic, never wanting to show any sort of negative emotion toward the intern. He’d gotten frustrated, but he never took it home with him. 

Stop this. Levi thought to himself. You’re being pathetic. Levi took a large breath and pulled himself out of Nico’s hold. Searching on Nico’s face for a sight of anything that may make things easier, Levi decided it was best to give up. He grabbed both sides of Nico’s face and kissed his lips, hard, firm. He could hear Nico exclaim something that got muffled inside of the kiss. Levi awkwardly sat up from Nico’s lap, never breaking the kiss. He pushed Nico’s body back onto the bed, finally letting him go. He straddled his waist, removing his own shirt, and then removing Nico’s.

“Levi, mmph!”

Nico was cut off by Levi pressing another kiss onto his lips. Overcome by his own feelings of urgency, Nico grabbed Levi’s lips and flipped them around so that he was now on top. He kissed Levi’s neck, his hands exploring south and fiddling with the belt on the interns jeans. 

Levi tried. As they got into their regular groove of things, Nico inside of him, soft grunts coming from his lips, sweat glistening over both of them, Levi should’ve felt happy. He and Nico hadn’t gotten a night like this in a while. He should be over the moon. But he couldn’t stop thinking. This is exactly what Taryn said. All they do is sleep and fuck. 

Those same anxieties as earlier started swirling around in Levi’s head again, not going away in the slightest. Maybe if he was on top, he could focus his energy on that. Levi wrapped his hand around the back of Nico’s head, grasping at his hair, and bringing him down for another forceful kiss. In a swift movement, Levi switched their positions so he was now on top. 

Just do it. Nico is almost finished, then he can go to sleep and you can cry in the shower. 

“Ah, I love you, Levi.” Nico moaned, gasping for air.

Levi looked down at Nico’s face and saw a look in the older man's eyes. It seemed so genuine. He really did love Levi. So why didn’t it make his heart skip a beat like it normally had? Levi didn’t say anything back, he just leaned down and kissed him again. The feeling of Nico there, it was almost too much for Levi to take. 

Nico ran his hands down Levi’s chest until he found his way to his member. Nico pulled away from the kiss to look down, a confused look on his face. Levi stilled his movements, not understanding what was wrong. Until he looked down too. 

“You’re not hard.” Nico whispered, brows furrowing. “Are you.. Are you not enjoying this?” 

Levi quickly looked back to Nico’s face. “I am. It’s okay, let’s just keep going.” He tried to keep going but Nico pressed his hands on Levi’s hips, not letting him move anymore. And normally, it would’ve felt good, feeling Nico right there. But it didn’t. It felt wrong. He felt like he was being punished. 

That’s when the floodgates opened again and Levi started to cry. He put his face in his hands and cried as he still sat atop Nico’s lap. Nico carefully pulled himself out of Levi so that the small boy could lay on the bed. Levi curled himself into a ball, panting heavily, crying. Hard. Nico didn’t say anything, to Levi’s knowledge. He may have been talking the whole time, but everything inside of Levi’s mind was drowning it out. 

Everything felt fuzzy. Like TV static going through his mind. He could hardly breathe, take short and rapid breaths as tears streamed down his cheeks. He felt Nico’s gentle hands envelop him and hold him tightly. He kissed Levi on the side of his head. And that’s when he heard Nico speak.

“Take a deep breath. In for eight, out for three.” Nico spoke softly, not wanting to alarm Levi, who was mid-panic attack. 

In for eight.

Out for three.

Levi was starting the calm down already, coming back to Earth. Nico pulled up a sheet onto Levi’s still naked body. He fell asleep like this, Nico’s arms holding him all night long. Luckily for Levi, he had the next day off, so Nico didn’t bother setting an alarm for him. 

In the morning, Levi woke up with Nico’s arms still cradled around him. He felt especially exhausted, as he usually did after having a panic attack. It was a stupid reason to have a panic attack. Because he was afraid to have a conversation with his boyfriend. Because he might have to break up with Nico. 

And he didn’t want to admit that, but he had to. It was silly of him to think that he could wind up with Nico. He was Levi Schmitt, Glasses, Blood Bank. He’d even heard whispers that he may be the next O’Malley, whatever that was. He kissed a guy for the first time and instantly fell head over heels. He was an idiot. 

But still, there he was, being held by those very arms, belonging to the man that stole his heart ever since he winked at him in the OR. 

Levi carefully untangled himself and crawled out of the bed. Realizing he’s still fully on display, he grabbed at a few pieces of clothing strewn about and quickly dressed himself. With his back turned to the bed, he hadn’t realized that Nico was behind him until he felt his arms wrap around him once more. Nico nuzzled his head onto Levi’s shoulder and kissed him softly on the cheek.

“How are you feeling today?” He asked, quietly, as though not to scare him. 

Levi closed his eyes and sighed. “Okay.” He answered, putting his hands on Nico’s arms. “Why aren’t you at work?” He turned around to look at the smile on his boyfriends face. “Lincoln will kill you.”

“I called in sick. I wanna be here with you.” He put his hands on Levi’s face and kissed his nose. “I love you.” 

He couldn’t do this.

Levi pulled away from Nico and started walking toward the kitchen. “I’m gonna make coffee. Want anything?”

There was no way Nico wasn’t suspicious now. He scrunched up his nose and followed Levi. He grabbed his small hand and turned him around so that they were face to face. Levi’s cheeks were burning red. “I want my boyfriend to tell me that he loves me back.” 

Levi chuckled. It wasn’t funny. Obviously, but he needed to seem as cool as possible. “I uh, I don’t think Keurig sells that, but you can call the company and-”

“Levi. Tell me that you love me.” Nico pushed. 

“Why?” 

“Tell me that you love me.” 

“Fine! I love you.” Levi still kept the insincere smile on his face, even though on the inside he’d already broken down in tears. “Happy?”

Nico’s face dropped. He looked hurt. “Why’d it take you so long to say?” 

Shit. 

Levi shrugged his shoulders and turned back around to face the coffee maker. He pressed a couple of buttons, put a mug underneath, and waited. 

“Do you not.. What’s going on?” Nico asked, his voice quiet as he didn’t want any of his emotion to peek through. Levi still caught the tone of his voice, though. Levi grabbed at the counter-top, his knuckles turning white. “When did it become so hard for you to say that you love me?” He sounded broken now. His voice cracked, and Levi felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

He couldn’t do this anymore. Levi’s eyes filled with tears and he turned around so that they could look at each other clearly. “I love you, Nico. I love you so much, okay? So much so that I’m scared to tell you what I need to tell you.” 

Nico furrowed his brows and pinched the bridge on his nose. “You don’t need to be scared to tell me anything.”

“Oh yeah?” Levi proposed. “I had a panic attack because I..” He all of a sudden lost his confidence and pushed past Nico. “I don't want to fight.”

Nico grabbed Levi’s arm and turned him around before he could get very far. “Then tell me what’s going on. Are you unhappy?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to break up with me?” Nico asked.

The silence was deafening as Levi felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. He swallowed dryly, refusing to look into Nico’s eyes. Nicos hand drops from his as the pair stand quietly in the kitchen. 

“Oh.” Nico let slip. “Wha-” His voice cracked, and there was no turning back now. “What did I do wrong?” He sounded like a hurt child. 

Levi looked up and saw the tears threatening to escape Nico’s eyes. Nico’s face was red and there was a large vein sticking out of his forehead. “Nothing.” Levi took Nico’s hand again. 

Nico scoffed. “Oh, bullshit.” He snapped. “Why else would you wanna end things?” 

“I don’t!” Levi cried. 

“Okay, okay..” Nico breathed heavily, rubbing at his eyes. “You need to.. What do you want, Levi?” He dropped his hands. He looked so hurt. God, this was exactly what Levi wanted to avoid. “You need to tell me. You need to be clear.. What is it that you want?” 

Levi didn’t know he was crying until he rubbed at his face and felt the wetness pooling underneath his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a breath. “I want to be happy.” 

“Sorry that I don’t make you happy.” Nico scoffed, full of attitude. He deserved to feel that way. He had a right to be hurt right now. It was a shitty moment. 

“You do! You’ve made me realize so many things, and I don’t want to end things, I don’t.” Levi was an emotional mess right now. He’d never done anything like this before. He didn’t want to screw anything up.

Nico put his hands on Levi’s shoulders. “Then don’t.” 

“Are you really happy, Nico? Seeing each other for 2 hours each day, if even that. That’s not what I want.” 

“It’s better than nothing.” 

“You’re right.. But you’re a fellow. You’ve been spending all of your time with another man, and I know I have nothing to be jealous for.. And maybe that’s not it, but I think about your friendship with Link, and.. He knows more about you than I do. He’s seen such an intimate side of you and.. He spends so much time with you, he’s seen you frustrated and sad and I.. I’ve hardly seen you at all.” Levi explained, going off on so many different tangents that he wasn’t sure if the man in front of him could keep up. 

Nico laughed, dryly. “Intimate? I’m not fucking Link.” 

Levi wanted to scream. He really wanted Nico to get it. He wanted to stop arguing, and he wanted everything to be fixed. “Intimacy isn’t just sex. He’s seen you through it all, and I know I can’t change that. I don’t want to change that. I want you to go through your fellowship year successfully.” 

“You make it seem as though you’ve never been late getting back. Like you’re not working long nights either. We have jobs, you knew that going into this, Levi.” 

“I’m an intern. I work 24/7, so do you. We hardly see each other.” He sighed. “I’m so hopelessly in love with you. But we’re not in a relationship.” He finally admitted this. “We’re two doctors who practically live together, and see each other only a couple of times a day. And it sucks. And it’s tearing me apart. If it weren’t for the timing.. If I wasn’t an intern, if you weren’t a fellow.. Someday, it could work but..” Levi choked, noticing that Nico seemed to finally understand what was being said. “Right now isn’t the time.” 

Nico pushed past Levi and sat on his bed. He looked exhausted. “How have things gotten so bad? I remember being attached at the hip and it’s like.. I don’t know what’s happened to you this week. I don’t know about any procedures you had done, I don’t know whose service you were on..” 

Levi sat beside Nico and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. 

“There’s a part of me that’s saying the same things. Has been for a while now, but I’ve pushed it down and repressed it.” Nico looked at Levi with tears going down his cheeks. “Levi, I love you.. And I don’t want to lose you.”

Levi grabbed both sides of Nico’s face and pressed their foreheads together. They were both crying now. “You’re not losing me. You’ll never lose me.” He wrapped his arms around Nico and they held each other. They weren’t sure how long they held onto each other. It could’ve only been a few minutes, but it felt like time had stopped. But Levi felt like he could breathe again. 

They spent the rest of the day together. Nico kissed Levi. Levi kissed back. Soon, they were removing each other’s clothing, and getting down to what they had done best. It was slow. Both heartbroken that this would be the last time- at least, for a while. Nico was on top of Levi, kissing him passionately. Levi could feel the familiar sensation growing in his lower belly, and knowing that it was ending soon, he wrapped his arms around Nico’s neck.

They both cried as they finished. 

Levi didn’t spend the night, as much as Nico tried, he just couldn’t do it. He packed up what he could as Nico watched him. It was sad, but it was the right thing. Before he left, Nico grabbed him and they embraced. Levi found himself crying again. Nico pressed a kiss to the top of Levi’s head and they parted ways. 

Levi walked outside. It was raining. Looked like a small storm. He smiled to himself and looked up at Nico’s window on the second floor. Nico stood there, watching him. They smiled at each other before Levi hopped in a cab. 

Until next time.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading this! kudos are always appreciated!   
> (Im currently writing a fic abt Nico's past, which is something I would LOVE to see explored more on the show, so be on the lookout for that!)  
> follow my tumblr: the-mostfabulous-damnthing (send me prompts if you'd like!)


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